


The Comfort We Seek

by Anxiouslykitty



Series: Strong Women Cry [5]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, End of Season 4, F/F, Fear, Platonic Cuddling, Self-Doubt, Surprises, seeking comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27130111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: Bobbie goes to Luna to meet Chrisjen...
Relationships: Chrisjen Avasarala/Bobbie Draper
Series: Strong Women Cry [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967755
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	The Comfort We Seek

When Bobbie got the message back from Chrisjen telling her to go to Luna Bobbie was surprised. First by Chrisjen's appearance in the video. She was in her nightgown again, but this time she looked like she was in her office. She also looked like something was weighing very heavily on her. Secondly she was surprised by the brevity of the message. All Chrisjen had said was to meet her on Luna. 

It had taken Bobbie some time and some finagling to get herself a seat on a ship headed for Luna. She wasn't exactly everybody's favorite person. When she landed on Luna she had a little difficulty with her papers which delayed her further. She had chosen not to tell Chrisjen she was coming because if something happened on the way she didn't want Chrisjen trying to get involved. It was on the trip over that she saw the news that Chrisjen had lost the Secretary General race. She felt bad for Chrisjen because she knew Chrisjen did everything for the betterment of Earth.

Earth meant everything to Chrisjen and she wasn’t fond of space so it was surprising to Bobbie that she would want to meet on Luna. She knew that Chrisjen and Arjun had a place on Luna, but she'd never heard Chrisjen talk about going there. Bobbie wasn't sure exactly where Chrisjen would be so she decided to try the UN first. When she arrived she lied to security that she had an appointment with Avasarala. Luckily she was still on the approved security list. Not an accident she was sure. 

With some direction from security she was easily able to find the office that Chrisjen was using. There was a small desk outside the office where a petite blonde woman was sitting, she perked up as Bobbie approached. There were also two security guards on either side of the door. Bobbie recognized one of them from when she had been on Earth. He had been a member of Chrisjen’s security then.

"I'm here to see Madam Avasarala," Bobbie announced. 

"Do you have an appointment" the secretary asked meekly. 

Bobbie could have laughed at the nervous look about the woman. She had to imagine anyone who worked for Chrisjen probably had the same look. Chrisjen was difficult at the best of times she could only imagine she'd been a little more temperamental since losing to Nancy Gao. 

"No, but it's okay" Bobbie replied. 

"She's not seeing anybody right now" the secretary informed Bobbie. 

"It's okay, she'll see me" Bobbie said and walked to the office door. 

The security officer Bobbie didn’t know stepped in to block her entrance, but the other guard waved him off. He gave Bobbie a quick nod and a smile. Bobbie opened the door and walked in without hesitation. She closed the door behind her. Chrisjen was sitting behind her desk with her back turned to the door.

"Does anybody knock anymore" Chrisjen shouted. "I fucking said I wanted to be left alone."

"Ma'am," Bobbie said, taking a step towards Chrisjen's desk. 

Chrisjen whipped her chair around to look at Bobbie. There was something different about Chrisjen. She looked almost smaller than Bobbie had seen her before. She was still dressed nicely, but not nearly as elaborate as before. Her eyes looked tired and she wore more makeup, probably to cover that she'd not been sleeping. 

"It's about damn time" Chrisjen snipped. "What did you do, float here?"

"I'm sorry ma'am. I got myself in a bit of trouble which made it hard to get off Mars and to Luna" Bobbie quipped. "Next time I'll be sure and get here faster when summoned."

Chrisjen stood up and came around her desk. Bobbie stayed still and let Chrisjen come to her. She walked slowly and held herself around the middle. Bobbie was trying to read Chrisjen's expression, but she couldn't figure it out. This was a different Chrisjen than she had seen before.

"You seem to be good at finding trouble," Chrisjen said. 

“Well ma’am I’m only following your lead” Bobbie joked.

Chrisjen's chin began to tremble and she swallowed hard. Bobbie was taken aback by this. Maybe making a joke had been the wrong thing, but that was how they always talked to each other. She'd obviously seen Chrisjen cry before, but she'd never seen Chrisjen struggle this hard to keep herself together. It looked like Chrisjen was going to fall to the floor in a puddle.

"Chrisjen" Bobbie whispered.

Chrisjen turned her back on Bobbie and walked back to her desk. She put a hand down on the desk to stay herself. Bobbie walked over next to Chrisjen. Bobbie didn’t want to push Chrisjen, but she was worried for her. 

"Chrisjen, what's wrong" Bobbie asked. 

Without looking at Bobbie Chrisjen wiped at her face. Bobbie placed a hand gently on Chrisjen's right shoulder. Chrisjen's head dropped to her chest and a small sob escaped. Her shoulders began to tremble and Bobbie took her hand from Chrisjen's shoulder and wrapped her arm around both Chrisjen's shoulders. She pulled Chrisjen gently into her body and to her surprise Chrisjen didn't fight her. Chrisjen buried her face in Bobbie's chest and grabbed the fabric of Bobbie's shirt at her sides. 

Bobbie could feel the fabric of her shirt growing damp from Chrisjen’s tears. She hugged Chrisjen a little tighter and placed her free hand on the back of Chrisjen's head. They stayed like that for several minutes. Bobbie was concerned for Chrisjen. She didn't know what was wrong with her, but it must be bad for Chrisjen to fall apart so easily in Bobbie's arms. The last time she had seen Chrisjen she had been in her element and it had been Bobbie who lost control of her emotions. This Chrisjen wasn't the woman she remembered. 

"Chrisjen, will you tell me what's wrong" Bobbie asked. 

Chrisjen began to pull away and Bobbie released her grip. Chrisjen kept her grip to the side of Bobbie's shirt but took a step back so that Bobbie could see her face. Chrisjen’s face was wrecked by her tears. Her makeup was smeared and smudged and her eyes were red and puffy. Bobbie hadn’t seen Chrisjen look this bad since she had been recovering in the infirmary on the Roci. 

“Oh your shirt” Chrisjen gasped.

Bobbie looked down and saw that the chest of her shirt was wet with tears and covered in makeup. Bobbie didn’t really care about the shirt. She just wanted to know that Chrisjen was okay. The fact that Chrisjen looked liable to start crying again just because Bobbie’s shirt was dirty didn’t make Bobbie feel better. Bobbie grabbed Chrisjen’s upper arms lightly.

“It doesn’t matter,” Bobbie said. “I just want to know what’s bothering you.”

“I lost…” Chrisjen whimpered.

“The election I know” Bobbie replied.

“No” Chrisjen shook her head. “Well yes but…”

Bobbie furrowed her brow. She didn’t understand what Chrisjen was trying to say.

“I lost my husband” Chrisjen sputtered. “I lost Arjun.”

Bobbie was confused. She didn’t think Arjun had died, that certainly would have made the news. So what was Chrisjen talking about? 

“I don't understand,” Bobbie said.

“I lost myself during the campaign,” Chrisjen explained. “I hurt Arjun and he was so disappointed in me. When I asked him to come with me to Luna he wouldn’t come. He’s never denied me anything. He’s never not wanted to be with me. I messed everything up.”

Chrisjen closed her eyes and tears began rolling down her face again. Bobbie pulled Chrisjen back into her chest and rubbed her back. Chrisjen took shallow breaths and sniffled. 

“Arjun loves you Chrisjen” Bobbie said. “I could see that when I met him at that dinner. He’ll come around. He probably just needs time to himself.”

“You weren’t here. You didn’t see what I did, what I said” Chrisjen explained. “You didn’t hear him. He was so sad. Like I wasn’t the person he loved anymore.”

“I saw some of the things you said and I bet I know some of the things you did. I also know it hasn’t changed my opinion of you” Bobbie encouraged. “Arjun loves you and I am sure that nothing you could have said or done has changed that. Give him time.”

“I can’t do this without him. I’ve always relied on him for the strength I need to do my work. What will I do if he never comes back” Chrisjen asked.

“Don’t think about that now.” Bobbie instructed. “Let’s get you out of here for the day.”

Chrisjen pulled away from Bobbie and looked up at her. Bobbie knew it would be hard for them to get Chrisjen home without people noticing Chrisjen’s appearance. Bobbie didn’t look so great either with makeup smeared all across her front. It didn’t matter to Bobbie what she looked like, but she knew Chrisjen would be upset if people saw her at anything less than her best.

“Come here” Bobbie instructed grabbing Chrisjen’s hand and pulling her over to a table that had a water jug on it. 

Bobbie picked up a towel that was laying on the table and dabbed it in the water jug. She slowly wiped some of the smeared makeup from Chrisjen’s face and did the best she could to fix what was left. You could still tell that Chrisjen’s makeup was messed up, but it didn’t look nearly as noticeable as it had before. When she was finished Bobbie went to walk to the door, but Chrisjen grabbed her arm.

“You can’t wear your shirt like that,” Chrisjen said.

Chrisjen went to a small closet in the corner of the office and opened it. Inside were a few pieces of clothing. Chrisjen reached in and grabbed a black simple shirt. It was long sleeved and low cut. Bobbie was skeptical when Chrisjen brought it over. She didn’t think anything that fit Chrisjen could possibly fit her. Chrisjen stood expectantly in front of Bobbie and Bobbie realized she wanted Bobbie to take her shirt off.

In all the time Bobbie and Chrisjen had shared a room on the Roci Bobbie had never changed in front of Chrisjen. Chrisjen had often changed while Bobbie was in the room and Bobbie had tried not to stare. Bobbie was a little more self conscious. Now with Chrisjen standing only a few feet away watching her she felt nervous to unbutton her shirt and take it off. 

Bobbie slowly unbuttoned her blouse and let it fall open. She was wearing a simple black bra underneath and it became visible as she finished undoing the buttons of her shirt. Chrisjen was watching her and Bobbie could feel Chrisjen’s eyes follow Bobbie’s hands and she began to pull the shirt off. Bobbie was surprised at how attentive Chrisjen was being and blushed under the attention. When Bobbie removed her shirt completely Chrisjen stepped towards her until she was nearly touching Bobbie. Chrisjen held the new shirt up much like someone would for a child. Bobbie had to lean forward a bit to allow Chrisjen to slip the shirt over Bobbie’s head and down her body. Chrisjen's hands grazed Bobbie's sides as she pulled the shirt down. 

“You look beautiful,” Chrisjen said.

Bobbie looked down at her body in the shirt and felt self conscious. The shirt was tight on her because it was meant for someone much smaller than her. It was also very revealing. Her breasts were on full display and she felt exposed to the world. She tried to let herself be comfortable, but when Chrisjen’s eyes lingered on Bobbie’s chest she felt like covering up. She wasn’t used to someone staring so nonchalantly at her body. 

“Let’s get you home,” Bobbie announced.

“Home is a long way away” Chrisjen whispeered.

“Okay, then let’s get you back to your house here” Bobbie conceded. 

Bobbie decided the best way to do this without attracting too much attention was to talk to the guard she knew. She wanted to get Chrisjen out and to her house without any interruptions. She was hoping because of how demure Chrisjen was dressed people might not recognize her even with the security. Bobbie poked her head out the door and had a quick conversation with the guard before coming back in the room.

"Are you ready" Bobbie asked.

Chrisjen picked up her hand terminal from her desk and walked over to Bobbie. She looked much more put together than she had a few minutes ago, but she still looked tired. Even in her efforts to hold herself up straight and walk with her usual air of dignity she looked small. 

They stepped out of the office and immediately Chrisjen grabbed Bobbie's waist. It caught her off guard and she looked down at Chrisjen in surprise. Bobbie did the only thing she could do and put her own arm protectively around Chrisjen's shoulders. Chrisjen pulled herself in close to Bobbie's side and Bobbie gripped Chrisjen tight enough that there was no space between them. 

The guard that Bobbie knew led them through the facilities to where Chrisjen lived on Luna. The other guard followed them. Surprisingly no one gave them a second look. To Bobbie they looked like an odd picture. The tall Martian ex-marine with the small older ex-Secretary General tucked into her side. She never thought she would see Chrisjen be weak in public like this. The only times Bobbie had seen her like this before had been just the two of them. It worried her. 

It didn't take long to get to Chrisjen's place. When they arrived the guards stayed outside and Chrisjen let Bobbie inside. Bobbie did a quick security sweep of the area she could see before returning to Chrisjen. Chrisjen of course hadn't waited for Bobbie to make sure it was safe and had already made her way into the living room and was sitting on the couch. She had taken her shoes off somewhere and was now sitting barefoot on the couch with her legs tucked underneath herself on the couch. 

Bobbie sat down on the other end of the couch and looked around the room. It was a clean and elegant room. There were family pictures everywhere and many pieces of art. The room didn't feel like Chrisjen. It must have been Arjun who decorated this house. Which would make sense because he probably spent more time on Luna then Chrisjen did. Bobbie picked up the picture frame from the end table next to her. It was a photo of a much younger Chrisjen and a handsome young man she assumed must be Arjun. Chrisjen was wearing an elaborate outfit and her hair was in a long braid pulled in front of her right shoulder. The man had his arm around her and was staring at Chrisjen who was looking at the camera. 

"It's Arjun's favorite picture of us" Chrisjen said, surprising Bobbie. 

Bobbie smiled down at the picture and smiled.

"You've always been beautiful," Bobbie remarked before she could stop herself. 

Chrisjen gave a small laugh and when Bobbie looked over she could see a small smile on Chrisjen's face. It made Bobbie feel good to see Chrisjen coming back to herself.   
Bobbie put the frame back on the table and turned her body towards Chrisjen. 

"You should get some rest," Bobbie instructed. 

"Are you saying I look tired" Chrisjen quipped.

"I'm saying that you need rest and that I know you don't take care of yourself when no one is telling you to," Bobbie replied. 

Chrisjen looked away from Bobbie out one of the windows. 

"I can't sleep" Chrisjen whispered. 

"What do you mean" Bobbie asked. 

Chrisjen looked back at Bobbie.

"Even when we couldn't share a bed I always knew I had Arjun. It made me feel safe. Now I don't have him and I feel so lost. I can't seem to sleep" Chrisjen explained. 

Bobbie couldn't imagine what that was like. To love someone so much that even the thought that they loved you made you feel safe enough to relax and let your guard down. Bobbie remembered when they were on the Roci she would see Chrisjen look at images of Arjun or watch old messages from him before she went to sleep. It seemed strange to her then, but now it made sense. Chrisjen was a strong woman, but Arjun's love let her be that strong woman without having to doubt herself all the time.

Bobbie knew it wasn't the same thing, but Chrisjen had helped Bobbie sleep once. She could do the same for Chrisjen. It made her nervous putting herself out there, but if it helped Chrisjen she would do it.

"I know I'm not Arjun," Bobbie began. "Would it help if I laid in bed with you?"

Chrisjen looked at Bobbie and her chin began to tremble. Bobbie's stomach flipped. She shouldn't have suggested it. Chrisjen was already upset and now Bobbie had made it worse. 

"You'd do that for me" Chrisjen croaked. 

Bobbie looked at Chrisjen in surprise. 

"I would do anything for you" Bobbie scoffed. 

How could Chrisjen not know that she would do anything for her? Had she not already proved that? They hadn't ended things well the last time they'd been together, but Bobbie couldn't believe Chrisjen thought Bobbie wouldn't do anything for her. Bobbie felt foolish, but her feelings were hurt. Bobbie looked away from Chrisjen out the window across from her. 

Bobbie felt the couch move, but she didn't look over to see what Chrisjen was doing. She felt Chrisjen's hand wrap around her own. Chrisjen's hand was warm. Her hands always seemed to be warm. 

"Bobbie" Chrisjen began. "I'm sorry. I know you've always done anything you could to help me. I haven't slept very much for the last three weeks and I would really appreciate your help. I'm not used to people who want to help me with no motive. I always expect people to want something in return. Everyone except Arjun always does." 

Bobbie looked over at Chrisjen. She had scooted down the couch so she was sitting only inches from Bobbie. Her eyes were clear and determined. 

"All I ever want from you is that you give me the same respect and understanding I give you" Bobbie replied. 

Chrisjen squeezed Bobbie's hand and gave Bobbie a small smile. Bobbie smiled back and brought her other hand over to enclose Chrisjen's. Chrisjen let her head fall down a little and let out a deep sigh. 

"Bobbie, I'm old, I'm tired, and I'm fucking emotional. Please will you take me to bed" Chrisjen whispered. 

Bobbie could have laughed out loud at that statement, she knew Cotyar would have. To anyone else it would sound like a proposition. To Bobbie though it was the most Chrisjen thing she'd heard all day. It also told her that Chrisjen had all of her walls down and truly trusted Bobbie to protect her. She wondered if this was the Chrisjen that Arjun knew. Not the battleaxe who takes on politicians or the broken woman who can't hold herself together, but the perfect mix of strength and weakness. 

Without another word Bobbie stood and extended her hand to Chrisjen to help her off the couch. She followed Chrisjen to the bedroom and stopped in the doorway to remove her shoes while Chrisjen went to a dresser by the bed. Bobbie watched as Chrisjen neatly pulled out a large bundle of fabric she assumed was a nightgown. Then she opened another drawer and pulled out a smaller bundle of fabric and set it next to the nightgown. 

"You don't have a bag with you" Chrisjen commented. 

"I didn't have a lot of time to pack. I threw a few things in a bag. When I got to Luna I put it in a storage bin at the station" Bobbie replied. 

Chrisjen picked up the smaller bundle of fabric and held it out to Bobbie. Bobbie crossed the room and took the fabric from her. It was a set of what felt like satin pajamas. The top was sleeveless and the bottoms were pants that seemed like they were probably too long for Chrisjen. Bobbie had never felt something so luxurious other than on Chrisjen. Chrisjen returned to the side of the bed and began removing her clothes. 

Bobbie walked to the other side of the bed and turned her back to Chrisjen. Slowly she pulled her shirt up over her head and took her bra off. She set it gently on the bed glancing over at Chrisjen. Chrisjen wasn't nearly as hesitant and had already removed the top half of her outfit and her bra. Bobbie was in awe at how beautiful Chrisjen was. She was embarrassed at how much she enjoyed watching Chrisjen. She turned away again to slip the pajama top over her head. 

Dropping her pants on the ground Bobbie stepped out of them nervously. She didn't know why she was feeling so self conscious. She glanced back at Chrisjen who was now completely naked. Her body was amazing. She had curves in all the right places. Bobbie could see small stretch marks across Chrisjen's stomach and a scar on her right side. Bobbie turned away when she saw Chrisjen was watching her looking. 

The warmth rushed into her face and Bobbie knew she was blushing. She was embarrassed at being caught. She nervously slipped her underwear off and pulled the pajama pants on quickly. She knew she shouldn't have stared at Chrisjen like that. Chrisjen had once alluded that she wasn't sexually attracted to women. Bobbie should know better than to cross that line. Afterall it was Chrisjen, Bobbie was supposed to protect her not make her uncomfortable. 

"Are you ready for bed" Chrisjen asked, breaking Bobbie out of her haze of embarrassment. 

Bobbie turned back to Chrisjen and saw that she had already pulled the covers back on the bed and was getting ready to climb in. Bobbie took her clothes and folded them, placing them on a chair by the bed. Chrisjen pulled the covers down on Bobbie's side of the bed and was laying in the bed when Bobbie crawled in. She felt big and bulky next to Chrisjen's delicate form. It wasn't uncomfortable necessarily, just unfamiliar. When they had shared a bed the night on the Roci there had been so little room they had to cuddle. Now they were in a large bed where they could both comfortably lay out without touching each other. 

Chrisjen pulled the covers up and Bobbie did the same. Bobbie laid stiffly in the bed waiting to see what Chrisjen wanted to do. She was nervous not wanting to overstep after being caught staring at Chrisjen when she was naked. 

"Will you hold me" Chrisjen asked calmly.

Bobbie extended her right arm and Chrisjen shifted over until her body was flush against Bobbie's side. Bobbie wrapped her arm around Chrisjen's back and rested her hand on Chrisjen's waist. Chrisjen settled her head on Bobbie's chest and brought her right arm across Bobbie's stomach. 

"Can you hold me tighter" Chrisjen asked quietly. 

Bobbie turned her body a little toward Chrisjen and wrapped her left arm over Chrisjen's body. Gently Bobbie pulled Chrisjen until her upper body was laying ontop of Bobbie. Chrisjen's head settled comfortably on Bobbie's chest, her right hand laid lightly on Bobbie's left shoulder. Bobbie had both her arms wrapped tightly around Chrisjen's body holding her securely. 

The weight of Chrisjen laying on her felt good. It felt good to hold someone. Yes, she and Thomas had been together on Mars, but that had just been fun. There wasn't much cuddling and certainly no emotional support. Feeling Chrisjen's breath blowing softly on her shoulder and her eyelashes gently fluttering on her chest made her feel safe. 

Moisture began to drip onto her chest and roll down the valley between her breasts. She knew Chrisjen was crying again. It wasn't the same as before. This was calm tears just flowing from her eyes. Bobbie tightened her arms around Chrisjen a little more to make sure she knew she was safe. 

"Arjun will come back" Bobbie began. "But right now something bad is happening in the Belt and Mars and Earth are both at risk. I can't do it on my own. I need your help if we're going to stop whatever is coming. You have to find a way to be yourself again. You can't let Arjun not being here keep you for doing what you've always done."

"I've always had him to fall back on," Chrisjen whispered. 

"You were strong before you had Arjun and you were strong when Arjun was supporting you. You can be strong now. I know you can" Bobbie encouraged. 

Chrisjen gripped Bobbie's upper arm and sniffled. She let out a deep shuddering breath and Bobbie rubbed her back gently. 

"Close your eyes and try to get some sleep," Bobbie instructed. 

"Will you stay the whole time" Chrisjen whispered.

"Of course" Bobbie exclaimed. "I won't go anywhere until you wake up."

Bobbie rubbed Chrisjen's back and slowly worked up to her hair. Gently she began unwinding Chrisjen's elaborate hairstyle and brushing the hair down her back. By the time she had gotten it all to lay down she could feel Chrisjen growing heavier on her chest. She listened to the slow deep breaths coming from Chrisjen and knew she was asleep. Bobbie wasn't tired, but she wasn't going to move until Chrisjen got a full night's sleep. Whether she got any herself or not. It was her turn to comfort and care. She liked being needed like this. Nobody had ever needed or wanted her comfort before Chrisjen. It felt good to be trusted.


End file.
